Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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