Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
