My sheets look like a crime scene.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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