I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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