Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
