I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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