i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Randomize
