Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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