if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
