why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize