I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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