Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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