don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
