my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
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