Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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