i was born a porn star she said
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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