I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Will exercising make me less horny?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
