Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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