I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
