after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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