I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
