I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
we made out on top of his cat.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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