i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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