Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
