I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
dude i'm inner monologue high
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
