i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
