and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
