My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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