I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
