At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
