i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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