I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
