I got chris browned last night
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just invented taco cereal.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Randomize
