Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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