Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
im six kinds of drunk right now
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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