fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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