I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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