Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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