I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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