they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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