You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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