The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
