I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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