Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
