Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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