I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
