I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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