accomplished twins. life is a go
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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