apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
