You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
