It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
