Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
