U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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