im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
