i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
