I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
