just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
