wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
We need a shit load of segways right now
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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