i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Randomize
