I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Every concussion has its silver lining
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
