After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
My balls are so social today.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We left the knife in your bed.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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