I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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