he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
