There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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